Stolen from E ***edited***

Nine things you wish you could say to nine different people:


1 - I'm SOOOO glad you came into my life. It's almost like the last 25 years didn't happen. I wish you were around all those years but I'm glad you're here now. I don't want to spend another day without you in my life. I love you.

2 - It's amazing how things happen and people just walk into your life. I'm SOOOO glad you did. you're amazing and have become one of my best friends literally overnight. How does that happen? I don't exactly know but I'm glad it did. :)

3 - Honestly so much I want to say but I don't know what to say. Stop trying to have MY life!!!! You have hurt me over and over and over again and expect me to just forget it all like I have before and been burned. Don't try to tel me how to lose weight, you didn't do it on your own. AND the reason you got so sick, wasn't because a doctor messed up...it was because you haven't eaten since Halloween 2008. I feel like a worthless piece of crap because of you and I can't stand the sight of you.

4 - Ok so this applies to alot of people.... Why am I only good enough when you want something? When you want to bitch about something or someone? I don't get it!!!!! When I'm alone or hurt or need to talk, you're never there or want to turn it around and make it about you.

5 - I love you.. I always will have major love for you but I'm not in love with you. I feel like everything is completely forced between us. This is not going to work but I want to at least be friends. It's never been the same since.... well.... you know. Sometime within the next year, I will be gone. hopefully.

6 - I miss you. More than I can even begin to express. I don't know how such strong feelngs developed so strongly, so quickly... I've cried a few times since you left... and hold out hope that someday I might actually hear from you. when we were together you made me feel so amazing like I was the greatest thing in the world and you wanted nothing more than to be around me but when we were apart, it was like I didn't exist. :'( I miss you

7 - you can't keep changing your friends like you change your underwear... the ones who are here for you, may not be tomorrow.

8 - You make me smile everyday and feel so fortunate to have you in my life. you make me frickin crazy at the same time but I wouldn't trade one second. I cherish every minute we have together. I love you.

9 - When you told me you were sick, a part of me died. I was so sad I couldn't be there for you. When you just told me you wanted it to be over and to just die, a little more of me died. you're so special to me and I don't even want to think of losing you. you've been an amazing friend to me and I love you so much. I've never wanted to be back home more than I do right this second so I coud be by your side. I understand your future isscary but with the advances in medicine, you have to be optimistic. I refuse to be anything but.





Eight things about yourself:

1 - I don't think anyone wants me and I probably won't get what I want because I already have 2 kids and can't have more. Oh and because I'm already married on my way to a divorce. I truly look at myself like damaged goods.

2 - I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me and pick at all of the negative things about myself.

3 - I LOVE to dance and feel like I've got it.

4 - I love to cook and bake as much as possible.

5 - I hate excercizing. Dancing is the only way I can even move to burn calories.

6 - I don't like going outside TOO much. The heat makes me sick

7 - I'd kill for a snowstorm

8 - I Love thunderstorms. They are amazing. I would LOVE to see a hurricane





Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1 - My kids.

2 - My weight

3 - The future.

4 - The past.

5 - My family.

6 - My friends.

7 - What I should be doing at that moment.





Six things you wish you hadn't done:

1 - Made school social.

2 - Dropped out of college.

3 - Rushed into things and....

4 - wasted my high school years with a boy

5 - So so so much....

6 - had to grow up so young



Five Things You Always Have W/You:

1- Kids

2- Cell phone.

3- iPod

4- my big empty purse lol

5- Clothes



Four Bad Habits:

1- Eating

2- Not exercising.

3- being lazy and unmotivated

4- Judging people.


Three Favorite Memories:

1 - Birth Of Em (even though I was alone)

2 - Birth of Ash (Even though I was alone)

3 - Kissing out under a streetlight... like in a movie.



Two things you want to do before you die...

1 - Be happy

2 - Get stablished in a career making money doing something I love and have a true passion for





One Confession:

1 I think I'm in..... uhh yeah

Ok I never blog and Im insanely busy but fet the urgent need to blog right this second. Besides, lunch is in the oven, the boys are cleaning up the toys, I have a wee bit of downtime. I'll say right now, forgive me. I cuss like a sailor. Worse than some sailors even!!!
Ok so anyways... This blog is about the giant elephant in the room.... me. I've been feeling confident lately... well until recently. I've always been SO self conscious about my weight, my appearance. I feel like I'm disgusting, huge, morbidly obese even. If I go to the dr, based on the scale, yeah I'm obese. To be honest with you, if I were to stand and look down at my body, I honestly would say I don't look like I weigh as much as I do. But I do. And in pictures, I look like I weigh even more than I do. When I go out, as ya'll saw, I dress up. I do it up big. And, lo and behold who's the ONE person that doesn't get hit on, talked to, danced with, etc. So, that doesn't help. AT ALL. :(
I need to do smething. I HATE working out. With every fiber of my being. I HATE it. I feel like I have no time either. I've got kids here until almost 5, then have to deal with dinner, kids, homework, bath, dogs, cleaning up for the next day, being ready for inspections at anytime.
Ok it's been 2 hours since I started. Had to pause a bit and feed kids, babies, change diapers, let dogs out, clean the toy room, lay out cots an get kids laid down. This means nothing. I have tons to do and I'm pretty much guaranteed to not get it done bc the boys don't sleep and s soon as they lay down, the babies wake up.
SO back to the subject at hand. How do I MAKE time? How do I make it fun?? I want to do Zumba when she starts it but my ultimate goal is to get in shape and be a certified Zumba instructor. I'd love to do the choreography and stuff. So fun!! So anyways. I needhelp. I need o beheld accountable. I eat... EVERYTHING I love food. It's literaly going to be the death of me. If I can't lose the weight, I know it will. Any idas of ways to not only lose the weight but change my life cmpletely without giving everything up that I totally love? Someone? anyone?
Oh and beore I get comments about what to eat, whe and what to do for workouts, Iknow. I've read it all. heard it all... I need to find a way to make it mine and make it a part of my life. I need it. I saw pics from last wekend... I thought I looked GREAT when I went out. I cried when I saw the pics. someone said te most hurtful thing ever to me back home "you USED to be a hot item. why are you alone?" Then I was talking to someone about how I looked. a good friend of ine from childhood. he sai "You look great for having 2 kids." I don't want to look great for having 2 kids. I want to look great. I want to BE great.... owthat cn happen... I have no idea.

:'(

I am not a big blogger so I am SURE this will get neglected. Get on my butt and remind me to write. Today, I' not going to really write. There are other things I want to do right this minute. Maybe tomorrow you'll get a good one out of me.
:)